He was running fast. He was naturally a good runner.

Awareness Group
He was running fast. He was naturally a good runner.

He was running fast. He was naturally a good runner.

He was running fast. He was naturally a good runner. But today’s run was not like any other race. This was the first time he had run with rounds and shells flying behind him.

‘My God! I must escape somehow’ was what rang in his mind. He crossed a line and ran fast through a coconut plantation. Shells were falling everywhere, in front of him and behind him. He certainly did not know where he was going.

The rounds and shells that were hitting him seemed to be thrown at him. “Why are you hitting me like this?” a question arose in his mind, but his mind answered, “This is what a farmer does,” and he did not stop running.

At the end of the coconut plantation, there was a barbed wire fence. “Why are they closing the fence like this?” he got angry with the farmer. He felt disgusted by himself when he thought about the trouble he had caused breaking it this morning, when he had fenced it with a crowbar to keep the goats and cows from grazing on the flowers.

He didn’t even notice when the thornbush had scratched him in the morning. Now when the thornbush had dragged him along, he didn’t care. There was nothing else on his mind except to run away. As soon as the thornbush crossed the fence, a field appeared ahead.

“How did you run away from me like this..?” He was startled. He stared ahead, his hands and feet trembling. There were many female fighters stationed at the edge of the garden at the end of the field. He had passed their front guard without paying attention to them as he ran. The female fighters of various ages looked at him with sympathy and laughter.

What a mess he had made. They laughed. He felt angry inside. He tried to control his mind and ran slowly again.

“How long are you going to run like this..?” A soft voice asked him. He felt humiliated and ashamed. “What are you doing without running?” He knew that it was certainly not a good answer. But he said it because he wanted to get away from this place.

He was hurrying, running and walking. “What questions did these children ask me?” he thought to himself. He thought that the voice of the female fighter who had spoken to him last time was somewhere. He tried to recall that face.

“Oh, Sumangala” now came to his mind. She was the one he studied with. Sumangala suddenly disappeared one day last year. It was known that she had joined the movement only after her mother and father had all runaway. At first, he was shocked by this news. He thought to himself, “You stupid bastard.”

But today, he was ashamed to think of running ahead of Sumangala without even noticing her. What would she have thought of him?

As far as school was concerned, he was a great athlete in sports. Running, high jump, and long jump were his main fields. Last year, he came in the top three places at the district level. Until now, he was considered a hero in school and in the resuscitation circles. But today, he was ashamed and humiliated to think of running ahead of Sumangala like a coward. His whole body was hunched over.

But, “What else can I do but run..?” his mind calmed down. Oh my God! Thinking about what happened this morning.. Suddenly, his mother, sister, and brother came to mind. His mind was filled with anger. “What have I done…” He had run without paying any attention to what had happened to them. It was a severe pain as if something were falling out of his chest. His head was spinning. He collapsed on the ground.
★★★
His house was in an area between Sandilippai and Sotiladi, where his native place Sandilippai meets. If you go through a road a hundred meters away from the main road, you will reach his house. This is where his father Sivaprakasam and mother Kamaladevi lived. Since he was the eldest son, they named him Selvaraja as a pet. He was called “Raja” at home and “Selva” as a pet by his friends. Selvaraja had only a younger brother and a younger sister. When his younger sister was finally born, he relied on her for his life. Even for his younger sister’s last birthday, he bought her a wristwatch from the leftover ‘pocket money’ that his father sent from abroad. That much affection. If he fought occasionally, it was with his younger brother Yuvarajan. But he also had affection for him.

Sivaprakasam, who was working in the government service, took his ‘pension’ and went to Australia to work. There, he studied computer science and is now working as a well-paid employee in a company. Sivaprakasam has now obtained Australian citizenship. He is making efforts to invite his family there.

But Kamaladevi was somewhat reluctant to leave the house where she had lived for generations. She belonged to a family with old Saiva beliefs. For this reason, she paid great attention to her children’s studies and did not let them indulge in other things. As a result, the children were raised as house insects who knew little about the outside world except studies. She had allowed Selvaraja only to play in sports competitions. Not even this year.

Selvaraja was studying in the Advanced Mathematics department at Manipay Hindu College. Since he had obtained good results in O.E.L., everyone expected him to be able to go to university at the Advanced Level as well. Selvaraja also studied hard accordingly. As a result of the peace that came in between, his father sent a ‘solar’ lamp from Australia to help him with his studies. He studied according to the care and encouragement shown by his parents. His ambition was to become an engineer, as his mother had wanted. He did not show much interest in the struggle. One reason may be that no one in his family or relatives was involved in the movement. He was surprised and puzzled by those who joined the movement. He had decided within himself that only those who could not study and were being oppressed would join the movement. Sumangala joined the movement was an influenced him. In addition, his close friend Sathyamoorthy also joining the movement made him think. However, he did not worry much about it. He was careful and focused on his studies. He was immersed in the dream of completing his engineering studies in Peradeniya and going to Australia.

★★★
It was July 9th. He woke up early in the morning, went to the nearby Pillaiyar temple, worshipped and started studying. He prayed to Pillaiyar that he get into the engineering faculty. . He was very devoted to Pillaiyar. He believed that it was because of Pillaiyar that OL made a special pass.

The sounds of shells and gunfire could be heard increasingly.

“They will continue to beat me like this for a long time,” he thought to himself, cursing the army, got up, closed all the windows, and said to his mother, “Mom, don’t let anyone disturb me, I’m going to study.” He closed the door and started studying.

He didn’t know how long he had been studying when suddenly his room window shattered with a “toy” sound. It was only when he woke up with a start that he realized that shells and shells were passing by his house. “What kind of a time is this? They’re going to disrupt my studies,” he thought, opening the door and going out.

There, his mother and sister stood in the hall, terrified. “Brother, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I heard the noises coming from far away,” said his mother. “Wait a minute, I’ll go and look at the road,” he said and left.

The sounds were strange and terrifying. It was only when he passed through the orderly and reached the main road that he realized the full extent of the horror. A tank was passing him. Ten feet away from him stood many green ghosts. Their faces shriveled and without a mustache, and the ruthlessness and anger in their eyes made him shiver. Selvaraja had never seen an army so recently. Nothing else came into his vision except the army. Something gathered from inside his chest and blocked his mouth. His legs refused to move. He was paralyzed. It was only when a voice called out in alarm, “Ado Kotiya,” that he recovered himself and began to run, muttering, “Oh, my God!” “Sada sada” the bullets whizzed past him. His spine tingled violently. The bullets could strike him at any time. The thought that this was the right thing to do was in Selvaraj’s mind. Even when the front door of the house was open, he did not stop. “Mother army! Mother army, run!” he shouted and ran away.

He had no idea how he had climbed the fence behind his house or how he had jumped over the wall of his uncle’s house next door. He only knew that he had to escape somehow; he had to run and escape.

The army’s eyes, full of hatred, chased him without stopping. When his mother told him about ghosts, his scientific mind did not accept it. But today, when he saw those ghosts in person, he completely believed that the ghosts his mother had spoken of still existed in the world.
★★★

The earth suddenly shook as if an earthquake had struck. The shockwaves of the explosion jolted the man who was lost in thought. He had forgotten himself in his thoughts about home and failed to notice the real situation around him. He saw a bomber plane dropping all its bombs in a hurry and flying very high. “It’s been a while since we’ve been in peace. You’ve come back…” he got up with a sigh.

A single column of smoke rose about 500 meters away in the southeast corner, and human screams and miserable sounds could be heard. Shall we go and see..?” he asked himself and got up and walked away. He usually never went to see the damage caused by air strikes, let alone missiles. Today the situation prompted him.

It was Navali St. Peter’s Church. Piles of buildings and human flesh were scattered everywhere. The noise and cries were deafening. There were cries and cries of pain everywhere, a cannibalistic demon was rampaging without any distinction between men, women, adults and children.

He had never seen such a gruesome scene. He was one of those who were happy when Chandrika came to power. What’s more, electricity would come. He thought that there would be no problem with studying. Whenever the LTTE student organizations and LTTE members held meetings on the streets and said that Chandrika was a racist disguised as peace, he did not believe them. He thought that they were saying this to recruit people for the movement. ‘The guys were right. Chandrika’s mask has fallen off somewhere here,’ Selvaraja now thought.

“Oh, how could anyone do such a thing! It is a sin to be born a Tamil,” someone shouted. Many voices, many cries. He could also hear someone cursing in anger. It felt like someone was hammering a nail into him.

Many people who had migrated from Vaddukottai and Sankaramat areas were coming through Navali Road. St. Peter’s Church was also located near Navali Road. There were ruins of buildings everywhere. The people who were migrating were rushing past the ruins as if they had seen the horror of the bombing. Selvaraja could not go on like this. It seemed that the world itself had become cruel and miserable. He could not understand the reality of the outside world. What a world this is. What a life he could only sigh.

“What are you doing here, Selva?” someone tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around in surprise and saw his math teacher Ponnambalam. The man who was riding a bicycle with many belongings and his family members and was speeding towards Yarlpanam, saw him and asked him.

As soon as he saw a familiar person, everything that was pent up in his mind came out. ‘Sir, army has come to our house. I ran away from the people who shot me. But Sir, I can’t find my mother and sister.’ He couldn’t say more and started crying.

“What are you crying like this, brother? You big brats are beaten up by smaller brats,” he said. Then he thought about something and said, “I would have come to your mother by another route. Don’t even think about it. Go and look for her in your relatives’ houses.” Then, “Brother, I have to go a long way.”

The master and his family disappeared through the crowd. Selvaraja was still standing there. He looked back at the crowd. How many people were walking around the entire village. Fear, panic, and anxiety were on everyone’s faces…. ‘Where are you all going? Where should I go?” Tiredness and fatigue appeared in my mind.
★★★

For four days, Selvaraja had searched everywhere but could not find his mother, brother and sisters. He had also visited the Red Cross Society. There was no result. Selvaraja had now arrived at his uncle’s house in Nallur. Once upon a time, there had been a fight over a drumstick tree in the fence of his house, and the relations between the two families had been strained. When he was walking around without knowing where to go, his uncle saw him. “What is this, brother… It is human nature to help in danger. Come home without thinking about anything,” he said and took him away.

Despite the sounds of shelling and the roar of airplanes in Nallur, there was no disruption to normal life. The uncle’s family went to the temple in a state of great excitement. They spoke words of sympathy to Selvaraja. They searched for his family along with him. Good food and tea arrived at the appointed time. He couldn’t think of anything. The food didn’t even go down.

All his memories revolved around his family. His mind was racing with thoughts of what his mother.. brother.. sister.. sister was doing. Tears came. ‘What a coward I have become. No matter what happens, I want to stay with the family. What would my father think if he found out. Selvaraja’s mind was racing everywhere without comfort.

“You know how far army has come,” said uncle’s eldest son as he entered the house. “He is standing outside on one side, with a stone. There, on the other side, he is standing in a kattudaiya, crossing the Sandilippa junction.”

The parliament had met at uncle’s house.

“People are dying. The hospital is full of wounds. Everyone is running away as refugees. What if the fighters don’t speak?” said uncle’s younger son.

“It’s like they got scared when they saw ten thousand army,” uncle’s son said to him. The stories continued. Selvaraja remembered what the fighters who had given seminars in his college.

“If you are wandering around here, measuring powder and boxes, why are you fighting? You only know how to talk. Someone will go to the movement.” This is what happens when Aachi gets angry. Aachi is none other than uncle’s mother. If someone criticizes her powder, she will come and pick up the lamp and start a fight. That’s why no one in uncle’s house talks about the movement in front of Aachi.

“He has run away from Sandilipai, leaving his mother and brothers behind.. Hmm.. I don’t know where he is running to.” Seeing no one, Aachi muttered and went to the back of the house. Selvaraja felt as if someone had slowly stabbed him in the heart. ‘Sumangala also heard this’ his mind cried silently. ‘It was a mistake.. a mistake but…’

‘The army has been disbanded due to the LTTE attack planned by the national leader of Tamileelam. The fighters are engaged in clearing the areas that have been brought under their control again’ The newspapers were full of excitement; the people were cheering.

Selvaraja struggled to remain calm. He tried to go home four or five times. But the army had left behind dangerous explosives, so the militants did not let him go forward.

While he was standing at the Anaikottai junction and wondering how to go, he noticed the person next to him reading the ‘Eelanatham’ magazine. Something in his mind made him want to look at that magazine. He bought the magazine. Or rather, he snatched it. The photographs of the heroes who had died bravely during the Tiger Raid were published there with details. Something in his heart was beating. He fixed his eyes on that page. He quickly looking at all the pictures and stopped in between.

He turned and looked at the picture. His heart was pounding with pain. His mind was aching. In that picture, Lt. Sumangala was smiling. He had never loved her. But only then could he realize that her thoughts were deeply embedded in his mind.

He could not realize that the paper had slipped from his hand or that the person who had given him the paper had stared at him and then looked at him with sympathy. Tears filled his eyes and became pools.

‘Brother, have any of your brothers died bravely?’ the person holding the paper looked at him with sympathy and asked.

The shocked Selvaraja only then came to the outside world. ‘Ya’ he said, tears welling up.
★★★

His bicycle was speeding towards Sandilipai. His mind was already going home before him and searching for his mother, brother and sisters. Another mind was asking all the gods to keep them safe. Prayers, austerities and many more. He made requests to everyone, including his favorite god, Pillayar.

As he approached his house, his heart was beating very hard. Even when the army was firing, his heart did not beat like this. He quickly returned with discipline. The fences of the neighboring house were all in pieces because they had been ‘tanked’. The whole area smelled bad.

‘The dog and cat must be dead. Or the farmer would be dead,” he consoled himself with the words. The front porch of the house was open with a bang. Household goods were scattered all over the yard. The man who had stopped his bicycle was filled with an unknown fear and terror, and his body trembled. He trembled. Dogs ran at him from somewhere inside the house, barking at him. He stood there as if he had been nailed. He did not dare to go into the house. It seemed as if all the strength in his body was melting away. He strengthened his mind and stepped into the house.

‘Mother.. ah.. ah..’

The sight he saw made him feel like he was possessed. He cried and cried and cried. He felt as if he was alone on an island on a night of ghostly winds, thunder and lightning. In another moment, he was caught in a whirlpool, and it pulled him inside. It felt like his neck was twisted and he was suffocating. He didn’t know how long he had been crying like that.

His mind was as hard as stone. He turned the bicycle as he staggered. The bicycle went where his feet went. Now he had no one of his own in this land. Where would he go? ‘How long have you been running like this?’ Sumangala came to mind

As his bicycle passed Anaikottai and headed towards Yarlpanam, some force drew him to stop the bicycle without him knowing it. When he looked up ahead, Miller stood there smiling. Selvaraja must have gone this way many times. Today, the Karumpuli looked at Captain Miller’s hut as if he were looking at it for the first time. “I “Do you see how many people I saved by bringing ‘Operation Liberation’ to a conclusion through my sacrifice?” Miller seemed to be asking. He knew where to go from here.